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April 13, 2008
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=========================== TODAY'S ARTICLE ==========================
Irreconcilable Differences, by Warren Baldwin
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21
NIV).
Couples seeking a divorce often list "irreconcilable differences" as
their reason for dissolving their marriage. They have issues between
them that they feel cannot be resolved; therefore, they seek a
permanent separation.
What are some of these "irreconcilable differences"?
Sometimes the issues are trivial. It is not uncommon for some people to
fight and split over issues of not getting to buy all the personal
items they want, such as clothing or cars. I actually read about a
couple divorcing because they cheered for different football teams.
Usually the issues are more serious. One of the partners might have an
addiction that is disrupting the marriage and family. One might be a
big spender and drives the family into debt. One partner might be very
aggressive, intimidating the more subdued partner. Sometimes one of the
spouses is very critical of the other spouse, making him or her feel
devalued and unappreciated. These problems that seem irreconcilable are
pretty serious, and frequently hurt the feelings or self esteem of the
other partner.
What does it mean that the problems are irreconcilable? It means that
the couple has, presumably, worked on the problems, but has not been
able to achieve any kind of resolution. Talking to each other, visiting
with church leaders, prayer, and even counseling have not stopped the
offending behavior. One party in the marriage continues to practice
their addiction, spend carelessly, be overly aggressive, criticize too
much or whatever the "differences" are. What is a couple to do?
Seek to place God first and respect each other.
At this point, some couples divorce. In fairness to people who profess
irreconcilable differences, some of these people have suffered greatly.
They have genuinely tried to work on their problems. They have taken
inventory of their own lives and contributions to their marital
problems, talked to their spouses, read books and sought help from
professionals. Still the problems persist. What else can they do?
Divorce seems to be a reasonable option.
But consider two things. One, every marriage has irreconcilable
differences. Every couple I have ever spoken to admits to having some
issues that they just can't resolve to the satisfaction of both
parties. They learn to accept the other person, they live with the
inconvenience of their differences, they even learn to change their
expectations so the intensity of the differences lessens. Think about
it: don't you have differences with nearly every significant person in
your life? Why should marriage be any different?
Secondly, no matter how stressful the differences are, God wants us to
hold our marriages together. About marriage Jesus said, "... The two
will become one flesh. So, they are no longer two, but one. Therefore,
what God has joined together, let man not separate" (Matthew 19:6). In
many marriages, a man and woman find a way to overcome, overlook, or
even rise above their irreconcilable differences. They create a union
that becomes bigger than their personal choices and desires. They live
for their partner. They stay together.*
I've seen too many husbands and wives walk away from each other because
of differences they did not believe they could survive. Yet, millions
of other couples survive those same difficulties and end up building
strong homes. When couples divorce, then remarry, they often find that
the same problems they fled in their previous marriage existing in
their next one. Differences are impossible to avoid because they are
the stuff of life! The best suggestion for a couple struggling with
irreconcilable differences, the biblical call, is to stay in your
marriage and continue to work on it. I'm simply asking that we
encourage folks to seek God and stay together if at all possible. It
won't be easy, but if you BOTH seek to place God first and respect each
other, the Lord will somehow see you through and will bless your
commitment and covenant.
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* Let me point out that physical or emotional abuse is in another
category than differences. There are laws to protect people from abuse,
even husbands and wives from each other. Even in cases of abuse,
though, I've known of couples getting counseling and working their
marriages out. [Editor's Note: We encourage couples that are impacted
by one of the three A's -- Abuse, Addiction, and Adultery -- to seek
help of an experienced Christian counselor to help them deal safely and
redemptively with the serious situations they face.]
---------
(c) 2008 Warren Baldwin.
RELATED LINKS:
* Divorce and Children
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200703/20070302_divorce.html
* Divorce and the Stress in Children
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200706/20070608_divorcestress.html
* Helping Children of Divorce
http://www.heartlight.org/single/sna_980715_divorce.html
This article can be found on the web at:
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200804/20080413_differences.html
=========================== FEATURED PRODUCT =========================
THE PURPOSE-DRIVEN LIFE, by Rick Warren
Takes the message of The Purpose-Driven Church and shows us how to
apply it to our individual lives.
http://shopping.heartlight.org/cgi-shl/link?222
Find more great books, CDs and videos at the Heartlight store! With
each purchase you make, you're helping to support Heartlight's
ministry. Thanks SO MUCH for your help!
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