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March 12, 2009
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=========================== TODAY'S ARTICLE ==========================
How Will We Survive?, by Rick Reynolds
The discovery of betrayal by a spouse severely disrupts your life and
breaks your heart. You face daily painful reminders of what your
relationship failed to be. There are times when you feel like you can't
breathe -- or are not sure you want to keep breathing. Every
interaction seems to open the door for more hurt.
At the same time, God is far bigger than our circumstances. As those of
us who have traveled this hard road can attest, the marriage we now
experience is far better than what we once had. So you can never tell
the end of the story by the beginning. I encourage you to stay the
course and see what God can do if your life and marriage have been
rocked by one of your worst fears and deepest hurts.
What I would like to do is share some practical things we have learned
in helping couples recover and go on to live in strong marriages. So
here are some tips for both spouses when the discovery of infidelity
has ripped your world apart. I believe there is something for each of
you and some good practical advice for anyone who cares deeply about
their own marriage or the marriage of a friend who finds themselves in
this kind of trouble. 5 Tips for the Unfaithful Spouse:
1. Stop the affair. You will most likely need help. We suggest
finding an experienced professional, spiritual leader, or someone
who has been in this type of situation.
2. Commit to creating an atmosphere of safety; commit to openness and
honesty. Be available by cell phone, be willing to call from a land
line (to show where you are), hand over passwords, e-mail
addresses, bills, and give access to your mate in order to give
him/her assurance.
3. Take responsibility. As bad as your marriage may have been, it
still doesn't justify breaking a vow to God, to your spouse, and to
yourself. Have the courage to say "I messed up."
4. Develop empathy for your spouse. Daily express to your mate that
you're sorry for the pain that you have caused and/or appreciation
that your mate is still there. Being able to genuinely express
grief over what your actions have cost your mate is one of the
first steps to moving beyond the betrayal.
5. Be patient and ask your mate how he/she is doing. If you see your
mate is down, simply ask how he/she is feeling. Our first tendency
when we see those storm clouds brewing over our mate is to run for
the shelter, but in recovery, it's best to be a tornado chaser by
creating space to share about the pain.
6. Don't be defensive. Usually defensiveness sounds like, "Well if
you hadn't ..." Defensiveness can become a way to blame our mate
and try to justify why we messed up.
5 Tips for the Betrayed Spouse
1. Express your feelings and thoughts without the destructiveness of
rage. This one can be tricky, but it will be easier if you keep in
mind that anger is a secondary emotion. Then, instead of expressing
your anger, talk about the underlying feelings that evoked the
anger. The underlying emotions might be hurt or fear.
2. Avoid rapid-fire questioning. Ask questions slowly, always asking
yourself if the answer will be information you want to live with
the rest of your life.
3. Commit to forgiveness. This doesn't have to happen quickly, but
for your sake you want it to occur. Don't fall into the trap of
believing you can control your mate's behavior by not forgiving.
Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
4. Allow yourself time and space to grieve and process what has
happened. It's not about the amount of time you give it, rather
it's about how you utilize the time you give it.
5. Recognize your vulnerabilities. Don't let your hurt and pain drive
you to behaviors you will later regret. Avoid putting yourself in
vulnerable situations.
5 Tasks for the Couple:
There is nothing the nearness of God cannot heal.
1. Find support. Try to find at least two or three people you can
both agree would be safe individuals to share with. Having a safe
place to process feelings, apart from the marriage, can be
beneficial.
2. Separate the marriage from the train wreck of the infidelity.
Remember, there is more to your relationship than the infidelity.
The infidelity does not rewrite your whole history, although
sometimes it may feel like it does.
3. Make time to talk about the marriage and the effects of the
infidelity. One of the worst mistakes you can make is to stop the
dialogue about what has happened. Allow time for both of you to
process what you are learning along the way.
4. Arrange a problem-free time during which you have fun and enjoy
each other. This is a must, otherwise you will begin to feel like
who you are, and what your relationship is, are just byproducts of
the infidelity. Remember, there is more to life. So try to find
times where you don't discuss the marital issues.
5. Remind yourself and each other that your relationship can be
better. You are building honesty and empathy that were probably not
there before the infidelity. Your relationship will emerge from
this so much better, if you let it. It will never be the same.
Affair Proofing Your Marriage:
1. Assume that an affair could happen and take precautions, rather
than assuming it will never happen. Actively avoid putting yourself
in harm's way. Together with your mate, design "our rules" for
keeping your relationship safe.
2. Both parties need to understand that temptations don't define us,
so be willing to be honest about dangerous situations around you.
Understand that if your mate is willing to share something that
he/she is struggling with, then your mate is choosing to keep the
marriage safe rather than to endanger it by hiding struggles or
weaknesses.
3. Work hard at your marriage. Marriages take work. Be willing to put
as much time into the marriage as you do into other activities
which you love. The grass isn't greener on the other side of the
hill, it's greener where you water it.
4. Be willing as a couple to talk about this issue. Be willing to
honestly discuss any areas where the relationship is at risk.
5. Give back. If you've already recovered from a betrayal, be willing
to give back to others who are still dealing with infidelity. There
is no better preventive medicine than working with others who are
coming along behind you. Their journey will be a constant reminder
of the cost you incurred and experienced in your own journey.
There is truly nothing that the nearness of God cannot heal. The tasks
on this list are just a few suggestions that will help you find and
protect hope and safety in your marriage.
For more practical advice go to
http://www.affairrecovery.com/ft/hh-heartlight and receive a free copy
of a two hour webinar featuring leading experts in the field of
infidelity recovery. During the webinar, the panel answered multiple
questions posted by individuals struggling to move beyond betrayal.
---------
(c) 2009 Rick Reynolds.
RELATED LINKS:
* Hopeless?
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200505/20050507_hopeless.html
* Steady, It Could Be God
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200505/20050529_couldbegod.html
* 7 Days of Love Challenge
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200902/20090213_7dayslove.html
This article can be found on the web at:
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200903/20090312_survive.html
=========================== FEATURED PRODUCT =========================
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