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January 15, 2009
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=========================== TODAY'S ARTICLE ==========================
Love Path: FAQ, by Joe Beam
Where can I go to get answers to my questions about love and marriage?
Where can I go especially for those hard to ask questions? Where can I
turn to deepen my relationship with my spouse? What can I do when
things are a mess between my spouse and me? How can I better understand
God's Word and what it says about love and marriage?
On Thursdays, you get to ask those questions and get answers from Joe
Beam. Over 100,000 people have enrolled in Joe's courses, seminars, and
workshops. He's appeared on national programs such as NBC's Today,
ABC's Good Morning America, The Montel Williams Show, and Focus on the
Family. You may have seen him in People magazine or Better Homes and
Gardens or read one of his books or articles. Joe is also a Christian
minister who will answer questions about love and relationships. Send
him your questions: ask@JoeBeam.com.
So let's start with two frequently asked questions.
How can we fall more deeply in love?
The good news is that you CAN! No matter how much you love each other
now -- or how much you DON'T love each other now -- you can find
increasingly deep and wonderful love. When you think about it, love
must be something we can make grow or God wouldn't have commanded it (Ephesians
5:25; Colossians 3:19; John 13:34-35)! But how can you do that in your
marriage?
No matter how much you love each other now -- or how much you DON'T
love each other now -- you can find increasingly deep and wonderful
love. However, you may want to decide which type love you want to
increase. Romantic? Infatuation? Fatuous? Companionate? Friendship?
Empty? Consummate? According to the research of Robert Sternberg, PhD,
all seven of those are a type of love that may exist in a relationship.
You can learn more about those in my book Your LovePath.
Right now let's narrow it down to two broader kinds of love -- passion
and bonding. If you want to replicate the type of passion you had in
the first years of your courtship, sorry. That's called limerence and
it won't be coming back -- except possible brief spurts -- no matter
what you do. The other kind, bonding, can and will get deeper, more
fulfilling, and more important each year of your life together. It
doesn't have the same type of thrill early romance does, but it has a
depth romance that courtship by itself can never achieve.
To bond deeper with each other, do the following -- and there is strong
medical, scientific, and Biblical evidence for everything listed. Treat
each other with warmth and kindness. Hug and kiss often. Hold hands.
Talk about intimate matters while accepting the other as s/he truly is.
And bless each other with sexual fulfillment ... which leads us to our
next question!
How often should a married couple make love?
That's fascinating in light of our command!
My PhD work is in Biomedical Science at the University of Sydney. More
specifically, my research is in marital and sexual satisfaction. In
essence, my doctoral work is in sexology. That means I read thousands
of pages of the latest research every year. Much of this research
intersects God's principles in Scripture in powerful ways.
The psalmist proclaims that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm
139:14). You see, God made us to share in a "one flesh" union as
husband and wife (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:4-6). He makes clear in
Scripture that we are to bless and fulfill our spouses sexually (1
Corinthians 7:2-5; Proverbs 5:1-23). Medical research has helped us
better understand just how wonderfully we are made in this regard.
We used to tell a couple that they should work out a lovemaking
schedule best for them. We now know better. Medical science is
discovering just how often God designed our bodies to be sexually
fulfilled. An Israeli study showed that the more often a woman has
sexual fulfillment (orgasm), the less likelihood she has of having a
heart attack. (No, I didn't make that up, nor did I make up any of the
following.) A British study showed that the more often men reach sexual
fulfillment, the less likely they are to have a fatal heart attack.
Regular sexual fulfillment for a man also reduces his chances of
getting prostate cancer. If the husband's issue regularly enters the
wife's body (no barrier such as certain birth control devices), then
she has less likelihood of having breast cancer. That works even if
he's had a vasectomy. The list goes on and on, even to the point of
pain control. Achieving sexual fulfillment has an analgesic effect. One
famous sexologist has a lecture titled, "Please, tonight, I have a
headache."
So how often should this "regular fulfillment" occur to get all these
benefits? Two to three times a week. Most of the studies cited above
found that frequency to be important to the medical benefits.
Interestingly, a man's body makes a new batch of millions of sperm
every seventy-two hours, which is more evidence that God made us to
have sexual fulfillment two to three times a week. And in addition to
the medicinal benefits, making love that frequently also releases
oxytocin, which helps bond the couple to each other. That's fascinating
in light of our command to fulfill each other found in 1 Corinthians 7,
isn't it?
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If you have a question about love and relationships, send them to me at
ask@JoeBeam.com. I'll answer one or two questions each week, using my
counselor's experience, academic research, and a deep respect for God's
Word.
And if your marriage is in trouble, we can help. Go to
http://www.JoeBeam.com. Our success rate, even if one partner comes
reluctantly, is three out of four marriages.
---------
(c) 2009 Joe Beam <joe@joebeam.com>.
RELATED LINKS:
* Becoming Vulnerable
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200005/20000519_vulnerable.html
* 10 Things to Do When Affairs Happen
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200811/20081121_affairs.html
* Developing Intimacy
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200004/20000430_intimacy.html
* Marriage Saver
http://www.marriagesaver.com/
This article can be found on the web at:
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200901/20090115_faq.html
=========================== FEATURED PRODUCT =========================
WALKING WITH GOD, by John Eldredge
Giving you an example of what intimacy with God can look like, Eldredge
asserts that everyone can have conversational intimacy with Christ.
http://shopping.heartlight.org/cgi-shl/link?153
Find more great books, CDs and videos at the Heartlight store! With
each purchase you make, you're helping to support Heartlight's
ministry. Thanks SO MUCH for your help!
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