My Inbox of Daily Inspirations: Daily Heartlight -- October 20, 2007

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October 20, 2007

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=========================== TODAY'S ARTICLE ==========================

Give Your Kids a Sporting Chance, by Hal Runkel, LFT

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt,
so that you may know how to answer everyone (Colossians 4:6 TNIV).

It's that time of year again. Fall sports are in full swing and that
can be a great thing. Through sports, kids can learn about fair play,
respect, and determination. Teaching good sportsmanship to our children
is one of the great responsibilities of parenthood. Unfortunately,
"good" sportsmanship isn't the only thing they can learn from their
coaches, teammates, and you. So, how do we go about teaching this
valuable lesson to our kids in a culture that seems to value it less
and less? Good question.

In my ten years of parenting thus far, I have had the honor and
pleasure of coaching about 8 seasons of Little League, soccer, and
softball. The vast majority of that experience has been both honorable
and pleasurable.

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Check out Hal's great new book, ScreamFree Parenting!

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But there have been a few occasions when I have witnessed a lack of
sportsmanship on the part of coaches; and for me, this is a zero
tolerance issue. When my son was six, he went to a summer baseball
camp. It ended up being run by college kids. My son came home in tears
after the second day reporting that the coaches yelled at the players
and called them names for not trying hard enough. I immediately went
into full investigative mode by first contacting other parents to see
if their sons reported the same thing. I then contacted the coaches and
the camp administrators. It turns out my son was telling the truth; the
college-aged coaches were practicing with six-year olds what they
themselves were experiencing from their own coaches. The camp
administrators were very grateful to hear from me and they admitted
that they were suspicious of one coach in particular. He was
immediately removed, but it took a while for my son to trust coaches
again.

I want my kids to love sports, to love physical activity, to love
teamwork and love structured competition. And bad examples from their
coaches who care more about winning games than winning hearts for
sports are simply not acceptable. Period. Address the situation, remove
your child, do whatever it takes.

I believe there are three elements to sportsmanship: rules, etiquette,
and culture. As a coach and as a parent, I try to pay attention to all
three.

Rules:
Rules are simply the structure of the game itself. Every sport has
established rules that provide the freedom to play, much like
railroad tracks give the train freedom to travel. The rules of the
game are the non-negotiables and the best way to teach those rules
is by obeying them ourselves. Cheating, in any way, is not just a
bad example, it actually introduces the very chaos and instability
of life that sports can help us conquer.

Think about it -- life is very confusing and difficult. It is full
of ever-changing people playing by ever-changing rules, Sports, at
their best, invite us into a small world that can protect us from
that chaos by providing a clearly agreed-upon structure that
encourages freedom of expression and friendly, growth-inducing
competition. When parents and coaches fail to teach the rules of
the game, and fail to obey those rules themselves, sportsmanship is
not the only casualty. Chaos triumphs over stability and security
as well. Something for us all to think about when tempted to play
our best little league player a few more innings than the time
allows, or tempted to secretly send coaching signals to our budding
tennis phenom.

Etiquette:
Like rules, the practices of a sport's etiquette can differ greatly
from sport to sport. But unlike rules, these practices are not
enforceable by referees or umpires or league commissioners. The
practices of etiquette are not agreed upon by rules committees;
they have evolved as a way for sports to retain a spirit of
courtesy and respect between combatants and for the game itself.

In tennis, for instance, you shake hands over the net after a
match. In baseball, you line up on the baselines and congratulate
the other team with your right hands at the end of the game. In
boxing, you touch gloves at the beginning of the first and last
rounds. In basketball, you volunteer your culpability, after a bad
pass, a defensive lapse, or a hard foul. And perhaps no sport has
more specific practices of etiquette than golf, from staying quiet
during an opponent's swing to avoiding someone's putting line on
the green.

These "rules" of etiquette are not published in bylaws somewhere,
nor even discussed between opponents before a game, but violating
them can arouse as much anger as cheating. Etiquette is what makes
the game humane, what elevates the game above animalistic conflict.

Teaching etiquette is therefore extremely important, I believe.
That necessarily means educating ourselves as parents and/or
coaches about the particular etiquette practices of a particular
sport. I have never played soccer, so I had to learn about both the
rules and the etiquette of "the beautiful game" as I signed up my
kids to play it. I wanted to take an active role in this education
process, both for me and my kids, so I invited them to watch soccer
matches with me, and I invited some admitted soccer freaks over for
dinner to talk to our whole family about the game.

It is our job as parents and coaches to shape the culture of our
families and our teams.

What is absolutely important is to focus on how you and yours
adhere to these practices much more than on how anyone else does.
It's easy, and important, to publicly call out rules infractions
committed by anyone involved in the contest. It's equally important
to quietly practice the etiquette yourself without telling anyone
else they should as well. This is an area where examples speak
loudest. So exhibit the best etiquette yourself, teach your child
to do the same, and then both of you be quiet about anyone else.
When it comes to etiquette, it is far better to be viewed as an
example than ignored as a know-it-all.

Culture:
This is the area of sportsmanship that is the least clear-cut, but
can be the most influential. All sports have a unique culture
surrounding them, a culture which silently governs attitudes,
shapes coaching and playing styles, and can even influence
personalities and relationships outside the playing field. And it
is because of this powerful influence that I advise parents and
coaches to pay very close attention to it.

Take football, for instance. Football creates and maintains a very
unique culture, with both positive and negative applications. On
the positive side, football creates a very team-oriented culture.
It is perhaps the most team-oriented sport of all because of its
relatively rigid position roles and requirements. There are
offensive linemen body styles and temperaments that are decidedly
different from, and yet completely dependent upon, wide receivers.
And all have to play together in order to succeed, more than any
other sport. It is far more difficult for one player to dominate in
football than in say, baseball. This team emphasis in football is a
remarkable metaphor for all the interdependencies that exist in
life.

Another element of football culture that is not so positive, in my
opinion, is the emphasis on toughness, or even meanness. Nevermind
the celebration of Dick Butkus' refusal to help up an opponent,
just go to a Pony League practice and watch the wannabe coaches
running the elementary kids till they puke and then making them
pick it up with their hands (I've seen it happen). No sport carries
the "go to war" mentality like football, and that part of football
culture is the reason behind the current concussions controversy in
the NFL, as well as newly discovered dogfighting craze among NFL
athletes. "Toughest is best" is football at its worst.

Thankfully, there are scores of examples of talented, successful
football players who demonstrated incredible toughness while also
exuding respect for their opponents, their own bodies, and the idea
that it is still only a game. Walter Payton comes to mind as an
example from my youth; Peyton Manning shines today. These men were
able to follow the rules of football competition, practice
exemplary etiquette toward other players and the game, and exist as
"tough, but respectful" beacons within the football culture.

There are other players in other sports who are able to succeed in
their sports without fully succumbing to the worst parts of the
culture of those sports. Wayne Gretsky never fought in a hockey
game. Jack Nicklaus never cursed on a golf course and never talked
badly about another player. Tim Duncan never talks trash on the
basketball court. Roger Federer never loses his cool on the tennis
court, but he does host a pizza party for the ball boys and girls
at every tournament. Talk about these players with your spouse in
front of your kids; root for these type players on TV; invite your
kids to admire them with you.

It is our job as parents and coaches to shape the culture of our
families and our teams. Ask any business leader how difficult it is
to shape the culture of a company -- it ain't easy. But the truth
is that shaping a culture happens anyway. Every second of every day
we function as leaders. How we behave as leaders constantly shapes
our surrounding culture, both positively and negatively. How we
cheer for our teams, how we talk about other players and opponents,
how we speak with the coaches and other parents, whether and how we
volunteer for snack duty, how we confront rules violations -- all
of these are constantly shaping the cultures of our families and
our teams. And the kids are not just watching us; they're inhaling
the cultural air around them.

There is no magic recipe to follow to make our kids into respectful
competitors. I can only offer a viewpoint that helps us remember that
how we participate in sports is a character issue, one that can extend
far beyond the boundaries of the court. And since, according to our
ScreamFree Parenting philosophy, the greatest thing we can do for our
kids is focus on ourselves, this is a character issue first and
foremost about ourselves.

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(c) 2007 Hal Runkel and Scream Free Living
<http://www.screamfree.com>

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Daily Heartlight -- October 20, 2007