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January 17, 2009
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=========================== TODAY'S ARTICLE ==========================
Who Cares?, by Hal Runkel, LMFT
You do.
People tend to fall into two camps when it comes to relationships.
Those who care too much about what others think and those who say they
don't ... but still do.
The truth is, we all care deeply about people's responses to us. And we
should. If a person truly didn't care what type of response their
actions created, then they wouldn't be a cool cat worth admiring,
they'd be a sociopath worth fearing. The trick is to find some sort of
balance. It's not easy, but it is possible ... sometimes. Let me give
you an example.
A few years ago, I broke down and bought a basketball goal for our
driveway. After five years of promises, and one year of my son's
begging, I finally bit the bullet. I had no idea how much construction
time this purchase would involve; but looking back, I'm glad that I got
to spend nine wonderful building hours with my then 6-year-old son,
Brandon. We examined the directions together, wrenched the bolts
together, and even called each other "sir" the whole time. It was very
cool.
We finished as dusk approached on Sunday night, so our playing daylight
was limited. But, we did play. We celebrated accomplishing achieving
our "goal" with several neighborhood kids, all shooting -- and mostly
missing -- with exuberance. As I watched my son's pure joy, I reflected
on our weekend together -- man, I loved just spending time with that
kid. As I then stopped playing and began picking up all our tools, I
realized that the least of what we had built that weekend was this
basketball goal. I felt like I had given him a great gift.
That was when I felt the thud -- my adorable, maturing son had just
rifled his basketball at my head. "YOU SAID WE WOULD PLAY FOR A LONG
TIME!!!" he whined through ungrateful tears.
How quickly the cherished moments can pass. I was, needless to say,
angry. And hurt. Literally. This was not the response I wanted or the
success story I envisioned. Even though I had done everything "right,"
my son was not responding the way that I wanted him to. It's
paradoxical. Whenever we need a particular reaction from our kids, it
actually decreases the chances of getting it. The truth is, whenever
we're more concerned about their response than our own, we come across
as manipulative, controlling, and needy. And this actually serves as an
invitation for them to defy us, just so they can retain their own
individuality.
So here's the challenge!
It took everything in me to breathe deeply and pause before reacting.
In that moment, I had to remind myself that ScreamFree Parenting does
not guarantee anything about our kids' responses. After all, it is not
really about your kids' responses. It's about your own. So, I had to
focus more on my behavior rather than my kid's to give myself the best
chance to be the type of parent he really needed: A parent who can
handle any outburst without taking it personally. One who can address
misbehavior, not in an effort to control, but in an effort to
influence.
It was really hard not to focus on his reaction and take it personally.
To be honest, I was tempted to launch the ball right back at him and
sentence him to a lifetime in his room ... without food or water!! Then
I remembered that it was my job to keep my cool and teach him how to
handle his anger appropriately. Mirroring his immaturity back to him
probably wouldn't do the trick.
Thankfully, I was able to calmly inform my son of the consequences,
enforce them, and move on. My memory of the day is not about how he may
have misbehaved, or how he didn't respond entirely as I may have wanted
him to -- no, my fond, cherished memory was about our wonderful Sunday
afternoon that we spent building something together.
And, as for my son, he got to taste the price of a lack of integrity.
In caring more about getting the response he wanted -- me to play
longer with him -- than about how he behaved, he experienced the
consequence of losing his basketball for a week and watching his new
goal go unused. Hopefully, I ended the day giving my son an even better
gift than I intended. I gave him a dad who he could count on to keep
his cool and stay in charge no matter what he throws my way.
So here's the challenge for all of us: to care deeply about people's
responses to us, and yet to care more about our own responses to those
responses. That's what it means to act with integrity. And I believe
that's what creates great relationships.
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in
the training and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).
---------
(c) 2009 Hal Runkel and Scream Free Living
<http://www.screamfree.com>
RELATED LINKS:
* Give Your Kids a Sporting Chance
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200710/20071020_goodsports.html
* Scream Free Parenting
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200608/20060803_screamfree.html
* Back to School, Cool
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200808/20080826_schoolcool.html
* Scream Free Living
http://www.screamfree.com
This article can be found on the web at:
http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200901/20090117_whocares.html
=========================== FEATURED PRODUCT =========================
THE POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE, by Stormie Omartian
Today's challenges and pressures can make a fulfilling marriage seem
like an impossible dream. Stormie Omartian shares how God has
strengthened her own marriage since she began to pray for her husband
concerning key areas of his life.
http://shopping.heartlight.org/cgi-shl/link?256
Find more great books, CDs and videos at the Heartlight store! With
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